Confusion

I'm so confused. Today on my brother's facebook it says he's gone from "it's complicated" to "in a relationship". What!?! I thought he was dumping that girl! I haven't actually talked to him yet. I think I may just break all of his little fingers! You know what buddy! My brother died too, my dad died too and I'm single and in transtions with jobs too! You don't see me screwing my life up! So this whole thing makes me take inventory of what is different in my life that makes me handle this? What I figure is this: I have an amazing and supportive group of strong Christian friends. I have my own faith that I've had to support me for much longer than he has. I'm questioning what I believe. I need help.

email

It's getting to the point where I don't want to look at my eamils anymore. Especially when I see one from my mom. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom! I just hate the reasons under which she emails me. All through the period of time that my dad was dying last year, it was through emails that she would update those who did not live locally on his prognosis. Sometimes even two or three times a day. Today I got an email describing my brother's latest shenanigans. He was in some serious trouble over the weekend. I am heart sick and soul weary from these types of events in my family. God, please! Carry me for I cannot walk anymore!

Sad day

Happy Birthday Daddy. He would have been 58 years old today. It's been especially difficult today. I can't even bring myself to wish his twin a happy birthday. It's just too difficult, not that he's been a big part of my life. If God does indeed capture every tear and store them in alabaster jars, then there must be a very large shelf dedicated to the many jars I've filled. Some days I'm mad, others I'm sad and every once in awhile I'm jealous that he's playing the best game of baseball in heaven.

Vacation!

My aunt called me a couple weeks ago and invited me to go on vacation with them. They are paying for my room and plane ticket, all I need is money for food and entertainment. What a generous gift! They purchased the tickets today and when the confirmation email came through I did a happy dance! I cannot wait! First, the last time I saw any of the folks who are going, it was last year when my dad died. Second, I haven't had a "real" vacation in years! The invitation came only days after I started telling people that I was going to save my money and go to the beach even if I had to go by myself! Ha! Then God provided-he's good like that.

Lament

Gosh Darn it! I don't care if he likes me or not!

New credential

Over the summer in the midst of my job hunting, I applied to my state to receive their teaching credential by way of my current degree from my home state. It's been so long I simply forgot I had even applied for it. Today I got notice that I have been awarded this credential. It was exciting, but at the same time a little bit of a let down since it won't do me any good as an administrative assistant. I really miss working with little kids.

What's in a name

How is it that just the sight of his name can make my heart skip a beat? How shall I ever move on?

Grief

Today I've forgotten what it's like to be happy or to smile. The grief is overwhelming. I miss my family, my constant source of unconditional love. Between the saddness and being snowed in several weekends, I am almost ready to move home. I wish I had my own place, a fortress of solitude, but I simply can't afford it. Grieving is even more difficult for a single person. Who do we turn to? Who supports us? Who is there at the end of the day to simply listen, hold you as you weep, to make you put down that seventh piece of chocolate, or make you laugh and "snap" you out of your dispondancy? No one. At the end of it all, you're crying by yourself in your cold bed while all your friends give you those pathetic looks of pity and ask you "how are you doing?". Do you really want to know? Are you truly looking to support me in MY grief? Or are you simply asking to ease your own conscience? Then when you do answer truthfully you depress everyone and then no one wants to be around you and the invitations stop coming and again you are on your own. Sitting in your room, staring at the computer willing someone ANYONE to send you a message, waiting for your phone to ring simply to hear the voice of another human being. My sister is the only person who has ever been able to "get me". Yes, I'll admit it...in my highly vulnerable state, I've let down the guard around my heart and offered it to the man who has repeatedly proven he does not want it. Once again I will need to pick it up and tend to the bruises and build a stronger defence.

Grieving

Today, on the 7th anniversary of my brother's death, a dear friend of the Montreat community died. Thank God for another dear friend who was a pillar of strength for me and was kind enough to distract me from my grief.

The Power of Positive Words

I have a very good friend that works for the same company I do in another department. Today he sent me this message:

"Hey, I don’t mean this sarcastically… you are doing a good job with PR for your office – they need it. Keep it up, they need a new “aura”."

It's amazing how a few kind words were able to lift my spirits, make me sit a little staighter in my seat and smile a touch longer at each customer. Our office has gotten a bad rep over the last couple years and I've been a bit of a whirl-wind, getting things cleaned up, organized and creating a welcoming atmosphere. Accorinding to my friend, people are noticing. That just made my whole day. It also makes me want to encourage others in the same manner. So, thanks friend for the kind words. I shall now go and "pay it forward".