It was a cover, a ruse...

I didn't really ever want it. I pretended I did, because that was what was expected of me. The fact is, I'd always wanted to give it away. Now that I have it back, I don't have any excuse. Those who knew it was simply that, an excuse, are now starting to give me that look. The look that says: they know. They know and they're not going to let me get away with hiding behind it much longer. There was careful calculation when it was stolen, no stolen implies it was against my will; It was borrowed for a period of two years. When they borrowed it, there was much calculation and planning. Now though, now it's over and just like that, it's been given back. No pomp, no ceremony, no plans. There was comfort in hiding. In the hiding, I could pretend there was a reason I didn't have a boyfriend or get asked out. The freedom to date and be single has been returned to me. No more homework, no more making dinner, no need to grocery shop. The comfort is no longer there. I'm exposed and left vulerable to heart break again. The hope that I would cling to in that comfort zone dwindles. As it slips through my fingers, and the cover is removed the fear begins to suffocate. There was so much planning that went into the past two years, now however; there are no plans. I'm lost and exposed with only the fear to comfort me.

and we're back!

Hello cyber world. The world traveler has returned. I first spent a week in NY visiting my sister and my new nephew. D.O. is her 3rd baby boy. They are all super perfect, cute, chubby, healthy babies. What else can I say? I simply adore them and hat the fact that they continue to grow while I'm not there to witness it. So, that was also the week of my birthday, so I got to spend it with my family. My sister and I took all the boys (ages 6, 4 years plus the baby) to her husband's high school musical that he directed the orchestra for. We stayed only for the first half of the Sound of Music, but it was oodles of fun nonetheless. When I returned from NY there was MAJOR drama on the job front. I can't go into detail since a) it's still being resolved, b) it just makes me too upset! Shortest version: my boss (who I live with and work for at home and at the office) had some horrible things said about her and she nealy quit, which would have left me jobless as well. Then, I went to Florida (thinking I would have no job upon my return). Oh, Florida...
It was one of the best weeks of my entire life! I didn't spend a lot of time with this portion of my family when I was younger. It didn't stop me when I grew older from planning a road trip to Ohio to visit them with a cousin who lived nearby to me. Our mothers tagged along for the ride though. Then several years later I invited myself to Indy and Texas to spend Christmas with them. Since then three of my cousins have married and two of them have had kids. There is not one single moment that I can think of that I didn't enjoy. I discovered I have a lot in common with this portion of my family. Traits that my immediate family and friends think me odd for, were quite normal in this group (big example: my love for organizing!) We laughed, swam, tanned, played and relaxed. I even spent one day all alone! I swam in our private pool and tanned at the beach (it was jellyfish birthing season, so we couldn't swim in the ocean). I returned from this vacation the most relaxed and happiest I've been in ages! As for my job, it's safe for this week. We'll see what God has planned next. I'm just so at peace........

Confusion

I'm so confused. Today on my brother's facebook it says he's gone from "it's complicated" to "in a relationship". What!?! I thought he was dumping that girl! I haven't actually talked to him yet. I think I may just break all of his little fingers! You know what buddy! My brother died too, my dad died too and I'm single and in transtions with jobs too! You don't see me screwing my life up! So this whole thing makes me take inventory of what is different in my life that makes me handle this? What I figure is this: I have an amazing and supportive group of strong Christian friends. I have my own faith that I've had to support me for much longer than he has. I'm questioning what I believe. I need help.

email

It's getting to the point where I don't want to look at my eamils anymore. Especially when I see one from my mom. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom! I just hate the reasons under which she emails me. All through the period of time that my dad was dying last year, it was through emails that she would update those who did not live locally on his prognosis. Sometimes even two or three times a day. Today I got an email describing my brother's latest shenanigans. He was in some serious trouble over the weekend. I am heart sick and soul weary from these types of events in my family. God, please! Carry me for I cannot walk anymore!

Sad day

Happy Birthday Daddy. He would have been 58 years old today. It's been especially difficult today. I can't even bring myself to wish his twin a happy birthday. It's just too difficult, not that he's been a big part of my life. If God does indeed capture every tear and store them in alabaster jars, then there must be a very large shelf dedicated to the many jars I've filled. Some days I'm mad, others I'm sad and every once in awhile I'm jealous that he's playing the best game of baseball in heaven.

Vacation!

My aunt called me a couple weeks ago and invited me to go on vacation with them. They are paying for my room and plane ticket, all I need is money for food and entertainment. What a generous gift! They purchased the tickets today and when the confirmation email came through I did a happy dance! I cannot wait! First, the last time I saw any of the folks who are going, it was last year when my dad died. Second, I haven't had a "real" vacation in years! The invitation came only days after I started telling people that I was going to save my money and go to the beach even if I had to go by myself! Ha! Then God provided-he's good like that.

Lament

Gosh Darn it! I don't care if he likes me or not!

New credential

Over the summer in the midst of my job hunting, I applied to my state to receive their teaching credential by way of my current degree from my home state. It's been so long I simply forgot I had even applied for it. Today I got notice that I have been awarded this credential. It was exciting, but at the same time a little bit of a let down since it won't do me any good as an administrative assistant. I really miss working with little kids.

What's in a name

How is it that just the sight of his name can make my heart skip a beat? How shall I ever move on?

Grief

Today I've forgotten what it's like to be happy or to smile. The grief is overwhelming. I miss my family, my constant source of unconditional love. Between the saddness and being snowed in several weekends, I am almost ready to move home. I wish I had my own place, a fortress of solitude, but I simply can't afford it. Grieving is even more difficult for a single person. Who do we turn to? Who supports us? Who is there at the end of the day to simply listen, hold you as you weep, to make you put down that seventh piece of chocolate, or make you laugh and "snap" you out of your dispondancy? No one. At the end of it all, you're crying by yourself in your cold bed while all your friends give you those pathetic looks of pity and ask you "how are you doing?". Do you really want to know? Are you truly looking to support me in MY grief? Or are you simply asking to ease your own conscience? Then when you do answer truthfully you depress everyone and then no one wants to be around you and the invitations stop coming and again you are on your own. Sitting in your room, staring at the computer willing someone ANYONE to send you a message, waiting for your phone to ring simply to hear the voice of another human being. My sister is the only person who has ever been able to "get me". Yes, I'll admit it...in my highly vulnerable state, I've let down the guard around my heart and offered it to the man who has repeatedly proven he does not want it. Once again I will need to pick it up and tend to the bruises and build a stronger defence.

Grieving

Today, on the 7th anniversary of my brother's death, a dear friend of the Montreat community died. Thank God for another dear friend who was a pillar of strength for me and was kind enough to distract me from my grief.

The Power of Positive Words

I have a very good friend that works for the same company I do in another department. Today he sent me this message:

"Hey, I don’t mean this sarcastically… you are doing a good job with PR for your office – they need it. Keep it up, they need a new “aura”."

It's amazing how a few kind words were able to lift my spirits, make me sit a little staighter in my seat and smile a touch longer at each customer. Our office has gotten a bad rep over the last couple years and I've been a bit of a whirl-wind, getting things cleaned up, organized and creating a welcoming atmosphere. Accorinding to my friend, people are noticing. That just made my whole day. It also makes me want to encourage others in the same manner. So, thanks friend for the kind words. I shall now go and "pay it forward".

Snowed in...again.

Here we are again. Snowed in with nothing to do. I wish I lived closer to some of my friends so that I could walk to their houses to visit. I got a call yesterday that they were going to hold "church" at my pastor's house and have a pot luck after. I'm sure once I get off my hill the roads would be traversable, but ours still is not. So, here I am stuck again cleaning the house only to have the kids mess it up and then have to clean it up again. C'mon! Just once can't I be snowed in at someone else's house or snowed in alone?

Anniversarys

In just a matter of hours it will be January 11, 2010 and the first year anniversary of the day my dad had his heart attack. Just six short weeks after suffering from his stroke and only 2 days after being released from the hospital. It was near 4am on Sunday morning when my mother called and told me to pray. I could hear in the sound of her voice that things were not good. I began praying. I heard God's voice ask me, "do you love me?". "yes, Lord" I answered. "Will you still love me, even if your father dies?" God asked. I paused, not wanting to even think it possible. I made up my mind right then, "Yes, God. I will love you even if my father dies." While I'll admit that my faith has been shaken this past year and that I've not always been on speaking terms with God, the one thing I know is that without God, his grace and mercy, there is no way I'd be where I am today. I trust that God is in control and that his plan is better than my own. One verse that I have clung to as a promise is this: Jeremiah 33:9 "They will tremble with awe because of all the good and all the peace I will bring about for them."

Snow, snow, and more snow

I grew up in NY state, so I've seen my fair share of snow. Honestly, I'm not so much of a fan of the white stuff. I'll admit that it's beautiful when the flakes are falling or when the trees and ground are covered in a blanket of clean white snow. However it is not fun when we get up to 15 inches of snow in one day in an area where they do not have proper snow removal systems. School was cancelled on Friday and the snow piled up all day. My roommates had to park at the bottom of our street, about a mile away up and down hill. They had to walk home. My car was stuck in the driveway for 4 days. Church was cancelled. The bowling party was cancelled. Christmas party, cancelled. Cabin Fever in full swing. The house is extra clean. We finally got the whole family out and to the mall to do our Christmas shopping on Sunday. Then Monday I was sick all day. Boo! The good news? I'll be home for Christmas in less than 2 days. Even though it's in NY and there will probably be MORE snow!

You've Got Mail

Tonight I caught the second half of one of my all-time favorite 'chick flicks', "You've Got Mail". There's a guy that I've been emailing quite similarly to the way the main characters of this movie do. Of course, they fall in love and live happily ever after. This is how I feel when I log on to my email: Kathleen Kelly in "You've Got Mail": What will NY152 say today, I wonder. I turn on my computer. I wait impatiently as it connects. I go online, and my breath catches in my chest until I hear three little words: You've got mail. I hear nothing. Not even a sound on the streets of New York, just the beating of my own heart. I have mail. From you. and my second favorite quote "Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life - well, valuable, but small - and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void." That would be my purpose in my blog, to send my cosmic questions into the void. 'So good night, dear void.'

Comedy of Errors

So, I suppose that if we were able to have a "mulligan" or "re do" to start our day over that we would never realize our need for God and his grace and mercy. Still, I could have used a "mulligan" today. It started off with a cold shower (thanks girls!), then progressed to staining my favorite white sweater. Actually the stain leaked through my denim jacket, my white sweater and the white cami under it! So, I turned around and went home to change my clothes and soak the stained ones. I am happy to report that the stains have been successfully eliminated. I returned to work a little exasperated to find that my supervisor had called in sick. Again. I think I have already reported how I cannot accomplish anything at work without her there. Not because I am a poor employee, but because she does not plan ahead to give me tasks to do. Leading to my usual bordem at work. So, her supervisor went through her desk and handed me pile after pile of things to do and go through. Ah, satisfaction! I was so happy to be occupied that I lost track of time and nearly forgot to pick up the kid from school! I was 15 minutes late in picking her up. Not too big a deal, but amusing all the same. So there is the story of my comical day. For the remainder of the day I hope to be productive without the mishaps.

Lessons in humility

My mom and brother informed me that the reason I am still single is due to the fact that I'm too independant. So I have come to the conclustion that "Yankee B****" = too independant and "Southern Belle" = helpless. So I need to become a "Yankee Belle", keeping a litle of my independance while admitting I'm a little helpless. So after coming to this conclusion I tried to change my own headlight on my car today and I had to finally ask John for help after I couldn't get it done on my own. A big lesson in humility. It reminded me of a couple weeks ago when it was pouring down rain after church and I jokingly asked my guy friends to pull my car around. One of them said "Aren't you an independant woman?". Aw crap! I can't have it both ways, but I've had to be an independant worman. Now though, I think I need to show my softer, feminine side.

I'm confused...

Did I make the right decision when I moved here? I feel like everything has gone wrong since I came here. God keeps taking care of me, he promised he would, but I feel so lost. Like I'm treading water and waiting for the rescue boat and afraid that it's staring me in the face. My friends in NY were all getting married or beginning families, so I thought that moving here would be a change and that would lead to finding my man. Well, 20 months later I still don't have a man and my NC friends are all getting married or having kids. So, I don't feel I've changed anything other than the distance to my sister's house. I don't really want to move back to NY, even though I was happy there, but I'm really depressed over the lack of man in my life. My only childhood dream was to grow up and be a mommy. Why is it 31 years later and it's still not happening? God, this Christmas I want a husband. Thank you, love me.

re Isaiah 54

Someone spoke the words of Isaiah 54 (see previous post) to me once. I know that the passage is really speaking to Israel and about Gentiles being the children that are welcomed into the tent. I'm sure I was lamenting the lack of biological children in my life. (I have no husband and therefore no kids of my own). I work with kids as a nanny, day care teacher and in Church settings and they were showing me this passage and equating me with the barren woman who has to make her home bigger to accomodate the many children whose lives she is a part of. I feel blessed in that way, however; I really still want my own children.
Last night I was honest with my small group when they asked me about my prayer request. I told them that I really want a husband. The friend who prayed for me last night was the first that prayed that a man will come into my life soon. That was so cool! Most people who I share this with pray that I will have patience until the "right one" comes along, or share platitudes about waiting or being patient or something lame like that. I also shared with my mom that I'm tired of waiting and she decided to start being specific in her praying and pray that the guy will come along this Christmas! That has also become my prayer!