New credential

Over the summer in the midst of my job hunting, I applied to my state to receive their teaching credential by way of my current degree from my home state. It's been so long I simply forgot I had even applied for it. Today I got notice that I have been awarded this credential. It was exciting, but at the same time a little bit of a let down since it won't do me any good as an administrative assistant. I really miss working with little kids.

What's in a name

How is it that just the sight of his name can make my heart skip a beat? How shall I ever move on?

Grief

Today I've forgotten what it's like to be happy or to smile. The grief is overwhelming. I miss my family, my constant source of unconditional love. Between the saddness and being snowed in several weekends, I am almost ready to move home. I wish I had my own place, a fortress of solitude, but I simply can't afford it. Grieving is even more difficult for a single person. Who do we turn to? Who supports us? Who is there at the end of the day to simply listen, hold you as you weep, to make you put down that seventh piece of chocolate, or make you laugh and "snap" you out of your dispondancy? No one. At the end of it all, you're crying by yourself in your cold bed while all your friends give you those pathetic looks of pity and ask you "how are you doing?". Do you really want to know? Are you truly looking to support me in MY grief? Or are you simply asking to ease your own conscience? Then when you do answer truthfully you depress everyone and then no one wants to be around you and the invitations stop coming and again you are on your own. Sitting in your room, staring at the computer willing someone ANYONE to send you a message, waiting for your phone to ring simply to hear the voice of another human being. My sister is the only person who has ever been able to "get me". Yes, I'll admit it...in my highly vulnerable state, I've let down the guard around my heart and offered it to the man who has repeatedly proven he does not want it. Once again I will need to pick it up and tend to the bruises and build a stronger defence.

Grieving

Today, on the 7th anniversary of my brother's death, a dear friend of the Montreat community died. Thank God for another dear friend who was a pillar of strength for me and was kind enough to distract me from my grief.

The Power of Positive Words

I have a very good friend that works for the same company I do in another department. Today he sent me this message:

"Hey, I don’t mean this sarcastically… you are doing a good job with PR for your office – they need it. Keep it up, they need a new “aura”."

It's amazing how a few kind words were able to lift my spirits, make me sit a little staighter in my seat and smile a touch longer at each customer. Our office has gotten a bad rep over the last couple years and I've been a bit of a whirl-wind, getting things cleaned up, organized and creating a welcoming atmosphere. Accorinding to my friend, people are noticing. That just made my whole day. It also makes me want to encourage others in the same manner. So, thanks friend for the kind words. I shall now go and "pay it forward".

Snowed in...again.

Here we are again. Snowed in with nothing to do. I wish I lived closer to some of my friends so that I could walk to their houses to visit. I got a call yesterday that they were going to hold "church" at my pastor's house and have a pot luck after. I'm sure once I get off my hill the roads would be traversable, but ours still is not. So, here I am stuck again cleaning the house only to have the kids mess it up and then have to clean it up again. C'mon! Just once can't I be snowed in at someone else's house or snowed in alone?

Anniversarys

In just a matter of hours it will be January 11, 2010 and the first year anniversary of the day my dad had his heart attack. Just six short weeks after suffering from his stroke and only 2 days after being released from the hospital. It was near 4am on Sunday morning when my mother called and told me to pray. I could hear in the sound of her voice that things were not good. I began praying. I heard God's voice ask me, "do you love me?". "yes, Lord" I answered. "Will you still love me, even if your father dies?" God asked. I paused, not wanting to even think it possible. I made up my mind right then, "Yes, God. I will love you even if my father dies." While I'll admit that my faith has been shaken this past year and that I've not always been on speaking terms with God, the one thing I know is that without God, his grace and mercy, there is no way I'd be where I am today. I trust that God is in control and that his plan is better than my own. One verse that I have clung to as a promise is this: Jeremiah 33:9 "They will tremble with awe because of all the good and all the peace I will bring about for them."